Dear Dawn: I’m trying to understand my Jewish girlfriend’s desire to not have American holidays, which she says are Christian. I said that I’m willing to do the Jewish holidays in our home along with the regular American holidays of Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, etc. Everyone does them! When we have kids, they’ll be exposed to both. She thinks that will detract from them developing a solid Jewish identity. Can you help us sort this out? — Puzzled Non-Christian

Dear Puzzled: Good for you for trying to understand your partner’s viewpoint without rancor. Just as you state, the holidays you list are quite American. We get those days off as federal holidays.

But now take a deeper look: What is the root of each of those holidays?

While Independence Day is a government holiday, Christmas and Easter are Christian holidays instituted to celebrate some aspect of Jesus as God. Even Thanksgiving was originally conceived as a religious holiday.

You say that “everyone does” these holidays. But, in fact, that’s not true. Only Americans celebrate the Fourth of July. As for the other three, most Americans observe them, but hundreds of thousands of Americans don’t. Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism and Judaism are religions that do not.

Like many members of the dominant American Christian culture, you are perceiving these holidays as an insider. This is the way your world works and it feels surprising that others have quite different worldviews. You are the fish swimming with millions of other fish and finding the air-breathers to be odd.

You are both right and wrong.

Yes, minority traditions are “odd” in that they deviate from the American mainstream. But you are not opening your mind to the idea that these different ways of life are normal for those who are living them. Just as you feel no desire to start observing, say, Ramadan, most people don’t want to celebrate holidays that are not theirs.

Your Jewish girlfriend wants to retain her unique way of life rather than entirely assimilating into American culture. This is information you need to consider. Is she right for you? It sounds like your disagreement did not lead to in-depth conversations to explore how each of you feels about your respective traditions.

Apparently you have begun discussing children. You should certainly sort out your conflicting views of your home’s identity before you introduce kids. Children raised in the United States definitely will be exposed to Christianity. That’s a given.

Whether they will be taught about Judaism is a choice. It sounds like your girlfriend wants an unequivocally Jewish home.

Studies have shown there are three key behaviors that support a child developing a confident Jewish identity: 1, A Jewish education, typically received at home and in a synagogue community. You can’t “do” Jewish if you don’t know how. 2, Home practice. Living as a Jew makes practice familiar and easy. 3, Jewish friends. Seeing peers practicing Judaism establishes that it is normative.

Think about it this way: Your girlfriend wants her home to be a Jewish sanctuary from the non-Jewish world.

I’ve seen non-Jewish spouses react in different ways. Some say that they are willing to have their home be entirely Jewish, except for … and then they have a request. Others have told me that they want their home to be a refuge for their Jewish spouse, a private Jewish environment.

Think about what I’ve told you and please have a heart-to-heart talk with your girlfriend. It’s time to put all the cards on the table. What does each of you feel is essential to your happiness?

Don’t beat yourselves up for not knowing how to approach this issue. You are both living with your own sensibilities and experiences. If you don’t know what questions you should be asking, it is impossible to get answers.

When I am working with a couple, I have a series of questions that we address that allows them to ferret out unspoken (and sometimes unrealized) concerns and questions. How can you work on an issue if you can’t even formulate it in your mind or articulate it to your partner? Put on your work clothes. This will take effort, but it will be worth it.

Dear Dawn: I am not Jewish; my wife is. When we spoke with the rabbi before our Jewish wedding, we said we would raise our children Jewish. He also asked if we planned to have Christmas, and my wife-to-be said no. I have never said anything to her, but I resent the promise she made and I always miss Christmas. We typically take a trip during the Christmas holiday season — Mexico or some other warm climate. Our children are now grown and married. I would like to have Christmas in our home. It wouldn’t be a religious Christmas, just a time at home remembering my youth — a tree, a big meal, holiday music. Do I raise this issue now or let it lie and just accept I gave up Christmas a long time ago? — Hurt Husband

Dear Hurt: I am sorry for your decades of suffering in silence, but now you must talk to your wife. This is an excellent time to begin since Christmas is 10 months away.

Plan your words in advance so you don’t just blast out your negative feelings. You do blame her and it’s important that’s not the first thing she takes in. You don’t want her in a defensive stance; you want her to be receptive to your feelings.

Start by saying you’ve never lost your love for Christmas. Tell her what you remember fondly — the lights, special foods, music. Then say having that experience at home will no longer influence the kids. Tell her you would like to experiment this coming December by having some of the things you yearn for.

While you have the right to demand this, you will enjoy it more if she embraces doing this for you.

My goal is for your wife to recognize your dedication to the plan she created for raising the kids Jewish, so point that out. She should feel grateful for all you have done. Now it is time for some reciprocity.

You two should approach this as an extended experiment. Neither of you know what you are comfortable with just yet, so create a plan so you’ll both know what to expect come December.

Afterward, evaluate the experience. Did it satisfy your longing? Was it awkward for her? Discuss. Make a new plan for December 2023. What worked? What should change? Get creative! How about a small tree in a hotel room in Hawaii? See if there are Christmas movies you both enjoy. Hold hands while listening to the many Christmas songs written by Jews.

Decide how to handle this with your extended family and close friends. What will your shared message be? The simple truth is you want to reenact some of your beloved childhood memories. If people probe, perhaps say, “It sounds like you either don’t understand or are not comfortable with our choices. That’s your prerogative. I’m afraid I don’t have any more to offer on the subject.”

Next, you need to tell your children. Simply say, “We wanted to give you a solidly Jewish home environment without introducing non-Jewish elements. However, now that we have launched you successfully, I want to have Christmas because I loved it as a child and want to relive some of those memories.” Be prepared to answer questions. Present a united voice with your wife that this is a decision you’ve made together for your own marriage, not for them or theirs.

Don’t cast their mother in a negative light. This is between you two, not up for scrutiny by them. If they wanted a tree at times, they may now feel upset you’re getting one. Remain firm in the message “we wanted to be sure you had a solely Jewish home” and that was accomplished.

Obviously, they can make their own choices with their spouses. Be prepared for that potentiality. You’d be surprised how influential you are, Dad.

Finally, wait until after you’ve had a Christmas together and she sees it doesn’t change the world. Then gently ask her if she recalls the pre-wedding meeting with the rabbi. She may not.

Then you can tell her your memory of her independent commitment you then supported. Say it was a hard moment for you, so hard you never forgot it.

Point out that obviously your love for her was more powerful and important than Christmas. Tell her you don’t want to keep things bottled up anymore and you promise to speak up sooner if you feel silenced again. Add that your happy marriage has greatly outweighed the bumps that every relationship experiences.

Dear Dawn: I read the article in Kveller “I Took My Husband’s Jewish Last Name and I Don’t Regret It,” written by a Jew by choice. Here we go again: “Jewish” names. Where does that leave converts without a husband with a “Jewish” name? I cannot even read past the headline. Jealous on one hand, and horrified, this is still being normalized on the other hand — bias against Jews by choice without Ashkenazi names. Anyway, it just hit a nerve. Many times I have been quizzed by fellow Jews, asking me what my maiden name is. Trying to see if I am a “real” Jew. Ugh. How can I combat the onslaught of queries about my last name? — Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: I hear you! Jews are a prying lot, worried about acceptance, identity, authenticity. We also have a good deal of comfort with intrusive questions. It doesn’t do us much good.

Names are a big deal. I know a halachic Jew with the last name Church. You can imagine the shocked looks that gets. I remember a non-Jew telling me that they were verbally attacked for “pretending” to be a Jew because they had what is apparently a common Jewish name in Britain, Davis. Who knew? A young woman starting conversion study was told at the outset, “You should probably change your name since in Yiddish it means ‘shame’.” Gosh, thanks rabbi.

Your discomfort is quite understandable. Who wants to be interrogated? Especially when the goal of the questioning is to perhaps exclude you.

This is a problem not just for Jews by choice. It’s a problem for Jews with names that are not from the Ashkenazi tradition.

But what bothers me most is the detriment it does to children. It comes up for adults from interfaith families who are Jewish on their mother’s side, but got a name like O’Flaherty from their non-Jewish dad. As we all know (she says, tongue in cheek), there are no Jews in Ireland, right? (I say this with apologies to my Irish Jewish friend M.)

What can you say to stem the flow of someone else’s need to pigeonhole you? Let’s begin by putting the issue back where it belongs, with the questioner. The person asking about your name has an agenda; you do not. So turn the question back on them. You could say:

Why do you ask?

Does my name bother you?

My father wasn’t Jewish if that’s what you’re wondering about.

Why is this such a popular question?

What’s your maiden name?

Or, for a man, what’s your wife or mother or grandmother’s maiden name?

Or you could put your hand on their arm and say, “For your own sake, I want to point out that probing questions about names is a hand grenade for many young Jews who don’t have a traditionally Ashkenazi name. I encourage you to find other ways to get to know someone.”

You are also justified in replying with your true feelings, “I am so sick of that question! I’m sick of being interrogated.”

Please keep in mind that you do not owe them a reply. You can stare blankly and then walk away. You can ignore the question. You can change the subject. If they insist on repeating the question, it’s time to either walk away or state, “I’ve been politely trying to change the subject.”

Will your interrogator have an emotional reaction? I hope so.
What I know from psychological studies is that experiences that have a strong emotional component are the ones that humans best remember. It is likely that the person will feel ashamed and will remember not to do that again — not with you, and, God willing, not to anyone.

I have one other idea that I hope will move the Jewish world to a more knowledgeable and inclusive state. There is a Torah portion called Shemot, meaning “Names.” I have experienced rabbis using this Shabbat to invite their congregants to acquire a Hebrew name if they don’t have one. This service also could be used to discuss names, Jewish names, names that become Jewish, the diversity of Jewish names, the born Jews who were given a Yiddish name rather than a Hebrew one.

How our names define us, limit us, or benefit us. There’s plenty to talk about here.

Meet with your rabbi and discuss the possibility of them giving a sermon on this topic, one that includes information about how hurtful it is when one’s name is perceived as a “bad” one.

Do let me know how you progress with this.

Dear Dawn: The final component of my conversion will be the mikvah. I want to complete this step, but our local mikvah has been closed through the pandemic. Is the mikvah mandated for conversion in Reform Judaism? (I want to do it, whether it’s required or not.)  Can I do it in an ocean, with a representative on shore? I am looking forward to the ceremonial solemnity. — Patiently awaiting my mikvah

Dear Patiently: Many people have faced the same problem during the pandemic, and rabbis have opted for an outdoor mikvah! No, mikvah is not mandated for a Reform conversion, but who would want to miss out?

You stimulated my interest in learning some of our local rabbis’ approach to an outdoor mikvah. I was surprised by how many of them do utilize this option.

It is critical that you meet with your rabbi and discuss the details of how the outdoor mikvah will be handled.

Issues include: modesty (public nudity is out); safety (rough waves are dangerous); participants (you will need helpers); clothing (avoid wardrobe malfunctions in the water); ceremony (what exactly will happen and in what order?)

Generally speaking, the rabbis I communicated with look for a secluded location on a beach, away from the eyes of the public. Candidates may wear either a bathing suit or a loose-fitting garment like a robe. Rabbis may ask whether you can swim; they will refuse to put you in danger.

A loved one accompanies the convert to a spot in the surf where it is deep enough to lift your feet off the bottom and dip under the water. Your companion will help you disrobe if you are wearing a swimsuit or want to be naked. They hold your garment while the rabbi calls out to you from the shore, telling you what to say and when to dunk.

After the three dips are completed, your companion will help you dress before you exit the water. Some rabbis have a Thermos with a warm drink waiting. Several rabbis described having family members hold up towels to shield the new Jew as they take off their wet clothes and put on dry ones. Several rabbis mentioned going early in the morning or at sunset to avoid running into others.

Here are some comments I received:

Lisa Erdberg, conversion guide, Congregation Sherith Israel, San Francisco

The people strip down to bathing suits on the beach, go into the water and remove their bathing suits under water. After their immersions, they put their bathing suits back on under water and emerge. We wrapped them in towels to dry off, and then they put their clothes back on. There is a restroom very close by that they can use. They recited the Shema in the water.

My sense is that people have found the water to be very cold, but they are so excited that it doesn’t actually feel cold.

Because it’s the Pacific Ocean, it is cold with choppy water. It’s hard to hear because of the wind. They can only let go of their bathing suits for a second. Immersion in a calm ocean or lake would be a much more tranquil affair and offer more opportunity for intentionality.

Rabbi Jaymee Alpert, Congregation Beth David, Saratoga

Candidates dress in loose-fitting clothes and bring a change and plenty of towels for afterward. They go in alone, just far enough that they can pick their feet up and immerse fully. It is quite noisy with the waves, and I have to listen carefully for the blessings.

Once out of the water, they wrap up in a towel immediately. I think they are very brave. I haven’t managed to put more than a foot into the water. I had to reschedule a conversion because of riptides, so that is also something to be aware of.

Rabbi Gershon Albert, Beth Jacob Congregation, Oakland

Some Orthodox beit dins (rabbinical courts) will allow a conversion candidate to wear a loose-fitting robe or wrap themselves in a sheet when they immerse, protecting their modesty throughout the process.

Rabbi David Booth, Congregation Kol Emeth, Palo Alto

I have them wear a robe or wrap themselves in a sheet when going into the water, and then just put it back on as they emerge. It is true that there are days when the surf is up and it’s more exciting than planned.

Rabbi Jonathan Prosnit, Congregation Beth Am, Los Altos Hills

In a phone conversation, Rabbi Prosnit told me there is a protected cove area at Half Moon Bay that he uses. The candidate goes with a friend or partner, both in bathing suits, into the water. When they have waded in deep enough to disrobe under the water (about 20 yards out), the candidate takes off their bathing suit and dips. He guides them in the traditional blessings from the shore. The individual redresses in the water and comes out to a celebration with loved ones on the shore.

Rabbi Prosnit pointed out that the mikvah preparation of showering, flossing and cleaning under the nails can be very beautiful, but generally is not possible in a beach setting.

Water locations used by Bay Area rabbis include Santa Cruz beaches, the Albany Bulb (which is the end of a landfill peninsula), Half Moon Bay or nearby Mavericks Beach, Lake Anza in Berkeley, San Gregorio Beach (south of Half Moon Bay), and three San Francisco spots: the St. Francis Yacht Club, Aquatic Park near Fisherman’s Wharf and Crissy Field.

This is clearly an individualized process that you must discuss with your rabbi, but the good news is that it can be done.

Dear Dawn: I’ve been reading the Torah and I want to convert to Judaism. I understand that only an Orthodox conversion is recognized by the entire Jewish people. I want to have such a conversion so that I will be totally accepted. My husband is not Jewish and has no interest in any religion. I can’t find the words to persuade him to convert with me. What can I say to him to convince him? I’ve been told that I can’t have an Orthodox conversion without him doing the same. Am I stuck not being a Jew? — Wondering about conversion

Dear Wondering: How to begin? First, reading the Torah is not particularly helpful in determining whether you want to be a Jew. It is the most familiar part of Jewish scripture because Christianity uses it as the foundation for their teachings.

However, it is like reading the table of contents for a book on biology — you gain only a sketchy idea of what the book covers.

I suggest that you read a book that speaks broadly of Jewish tradition, practice and history. You can see a long list of books on my Becoming Jewish website, or check out My Jewish Learning’s suggestions of the best introduction-to-Judaism books.

If you are still interested, take a basic Judaism class. There are many online, and you can see a list of current Bay Area offerings on the Building Jewish Bridges website.

At this point in time, you won’t get the wonderful experience of being in the same room with your teacher and fellow students, but you will be guided through a logical process of learning. You will have someone to ask questions to, and a circle of fellow learners.

As for finding the words to convince your husband, no, I don’t know of any such words.

Additionally, I don’t believe in convincing anyone to become Jewish.

This is a personal decision that only the individual should make about their life and identity. If your husband doesn’t want to be Jewish, please accept him for who he is.

Can you have an Orthodox conversion without him? No, you can’t.

An Orthodox rabbi will not “create” an interfaith couple by converting one member of a non-Jewish couple.

But, Wondering, are you sure you want to be Orthodox?

Many people tell me just what you have said: “I want an Orthodox conversion so that all Jews will accept me.” But do you want to live an Orthodox life? Do you understand that you would have to make huge changes?

It isn’t just eating only kosher food and attending an Orthodox synagogue. Living as a Torah Jew means things like moving your residence to within walking distance of the synagogue, altering your dress to be appropriately modest and, of course, keeping Shabbat. During Shabbat (Friday at sundown to Saturday at sundown) you may not use electricity, handle money, cook or bake, write, or undertake many other tasks that you would have to learn about.

I suggest you read “How to Run a Traditional Jewish Household” by Blu Greenberg; you can get it at the library, or order it online. This book will give you a full picture of what living as a traditional Jewish woman involves.

If you read this book and want to embrace this lifestyle, then you can participate in an Orthodox community, pray there and socialize with them, without converting. I have a friend who is doing this. It will allow you to live and be a part of a Jewish community while remaining married to your husband.

If you decide that Orthodoxy is not for you, and you would prefer to have a Conservative or a Reform conversion, a new path will open to you. In these streams of Judaism, you will be able to convert even if your husband does not.

Yes, you may face people questioning your Jewish status, but it is your life and you must learn what choices you have. Then it will be your decision as to what identity you want to pursue. Best of luck.

Dear Dawn: I grew up in an interfaith home (my dad isn’t Jewish) and I married a man who also isn’t Jewish. I was raised completely nonreligious and we celebrated just the Hallmark holidays, no Jewish ones. As a young adult, I became interested in Judaism and wanted to raise my children Jewish. My husband and I have a 15-year-old son, and my husband agreed to raising him Jewish, but with Christmas and Easter, again, as Hallmark holidays. As the Jewish mom, I took our son to High Holiday services, lit Hanukkah candles and tried to occasionally have Shabbat. But it was all on me to learn what to do and how to do it. I wasn’t very good at it. When my son started middle school, I found a liberal synagogue and enrolled him in Hebrew school. My husband never got involved at all, and that hurt me. Hebrew school didn’t last long; my son soon said he didn’t want to go. That was a couple years ago and now my son wants to be Christian and go to church. My husband still has zero interest in any religion, and I can’t bring myself to go in a church. My son is getting more and more serious. He wants to be baptized and be a member of the church he likes. I am heartbroken and my husband can’t support me because he feels nothing. He says this is a phase, just get over it. I feel so alone. What should I do? — Grieving Mom

Dear Grieving: I am sorry for your pain. You have layers and layers of struggles and deserve support.

Let’s begin with you. You grew up without a Jewish identity, or any religious identity for that matter. I wish your parents could have provided a basic knowledge of Judaism for you, but you must now provide it for yourself.

You want to live a Jewish life but are trying to do it on your own without significant education or practice. You need a community. Find a synagogue near you — perhaps the one you took your son to for a short time. Sign up for their mailing list; follow their services and events online. Look for any adult education classes they offer. Call the rabbi and share your concerns. Ask for help to connect with other members.

Mom, you are a Jew and the Jewish community is responsible for you. You deserve this.

Second, consider couples therapy with your husband.

The fact that he doesn’t feel the same as you do is not an excuse for dismissing your pain. He needs to stretch himself and come to understand how this hurts you. As your life partner, he should care when you hurt. That’s what love is.

Perhaps there are things he could do that would help alleviate your pain. He could learn a bit about Judaism with you. If you were interested in opera, would it kill him to learn a bit, maybe even listen to some with you? He could learn to express compassion for your grief. His neutral stance could even be a help to you if you perceived him as caring about your feelings.

Three, Mom, there is a reasonable chance that this is a phase.

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Your son is only 15, and a great deal will change in his life between now and adulthood. You have to stop arguing with him and repeatedly pointing out what upsets you about his Christianity. Focus on learning about your own tradition, Judaism. Notice what you are learning — holidays, customs, history. Is your son learning these aspects of Christianity? Find a common ground.

How are you learning? Do you have a class, discussions with your rabbi, books or websites you enjoy? Are there commonalities you can find with your son?

I want you to work on understanding that your son is very much like you. He, too, is on a spiritual journey.

But he is luckier than you because he has found a community to guide and support him. If you have the same, you will feel much better.

Your son is striving to be his true self. If you are your true self, I suspect you will gain feelings of flexibility.

Don’t forget that both you and he are halachically Jewish — that is, Jewish according to Jewish law. That means that any time he wants to explore Judaism, he will be welcomed with open arms.

By pursuing your own journey to Judaism you will be role-modeling — spiritual exploration, building your Jewish muscles, evolving as a Jew, going from ignorance to knowledgeable practice.

Mom, if your son does become a lifelong Christian and you, a Jew, and your husband an atheist, the three of you can still build a family based on your mutual love. There is always support for all of you. We’ll stay in touch.

Dear Dawn: My mom was raised noncommittal Christian and my dad was raised noncommittal Jewish. Around the time I was born, my dad was exploring Judaism and he wanted to raise me, and later my little brother, as Jews. My parents joined a Reform synagogue and my dad got involved. They sent me and my brother to Hebrew school. When I grew up and went to college, I found out that many Jews don’t recognize me as Jewish. I was hurt and angry. When I told my parents, my mom was really sweet. She apologized for not knowing what would be the result of their choices. But my dad just stubbornly countered everything I said. I love them both, but I’m mad at my father and at Jews who don’t acknowledge my identity. I’ve even met Jewish guys who don’t want to get involved with me because our kids “won’t be Jewish.” I’m still angry and upset. Should I just give up on Judaism? Is there any solution? Can I make my dad understand? — My Father’s Daughter

Dear Daughter: I am very sorry for the rejection you have felt and the ongoing pain you are experiencing. You have two issues here: your father and your relationship with him, and your relationship with Judaism.

I’m going to make a leap and suggest that if your father were able to acknowledge how his choices have impacted you, you might feel supported enough to forge your Jewish path. I suspect he is upset that you are distressed, and accepting responsibility for that is just too hard to face.

You say that he began learning about Judaism as an adult and parent. It is very hard for adults to be “ignorant.” As your Jewish parent, he may be uncomfortable with his own lack of knowledge, while your mother has no sense that she “should have known.” He probably wants you to embrace Judaism as he has and is unsure of how to address that.

I suggest you take a walk with him, get away from any distractions, then tell him that you want his support and need him, as your Jewish parent, to partner with you as you determine your relationship with Judaism.

You might say to him, “You didn’t know the impact of your choices on me, but you know now. I don’t blame you for what you didn’t know then, but I need you to fully understand my predicament now.” If he is receptive, discuss the challenges you are facing and the options you have in dealing with them. Maybe all you need is for him to be a good listener. The choices are now yours, but you deserve his expressed concern and support.

Now, what about your relationship to Judaism? What choices do you have there? In a Reform environment, you are accepted as Jewish. You were raised a Jew and have a Jewish father, and that meets the “requirement” for Jewish identity in the Reform movement.

The problem arises when you go into a secular space or a more traditional Jewish environment.

What you need is a clear sense of your Jewish self. Do you believe yourself to be Jewish? If you don’t, then you need to change that. What would make you feel authentic? Do you need greater Jewish knowledge? More experience in services? A better grasp of Hebrew? More participation in Jewish community? Do you want to go to the mikvah?

Ask yourself what would satisfy you. Once you know what that is, you can secure it for yourself.

Please remember, you don’t need to volunteer your mother’s status, as that is no business of strangers or new acquaintances. Then, when you have developed confidence in yourself as a Jew, you can respond to the doubters with calm self-assurance. You can say any of the following depending on the question/statement:

Why do you ask?

Why is my identity so important to you?

Isn’t that a bit personal?

Is something worrying you? That’s such an odd comment.

You should ask my mother.

Remember, their question does not require that you answer them.

Finally, there is my personal favorite, which was spoken by an Italian Jewish professor when an adult student, noting his Italian accent, asked, “I have a question. Are you Jewish?” He replied, “Sometimes you just have to take your parents’ word for it. My mother says I am.”

One last thing about Jewish guys you consider dating. A guy who is traditional in his personal practice may indeed not want to get involved with a woman he does not see as Jewish. So be it. He has his viewpoint and you have yours. He’s not the guy for you.

Dear Dawn: Many years ago, under the guidance of a Conservative rabbi in Queens, New York, I converted to Judaism. My records have been lost and no one connected with the synagogue has been able to help me in recovering the document of my conversion.  What am I to do in this situation? I am more than willing to undergo the process again, but I don’t know if a rabbi would consider this appropriate. I am also currently living in a remote location; no Jewish community here. — Jewish for a long time

Dear JFALT: You’ve presented me with an interesting question I’ve never confronted before — so I did some research.

Here’s what I found. No matter which movement an individual chooses for their conversion, it is best for that person to hold onto their conversion certificate! If you are a Jew by choice, make a copy, upload it to the cloud, save it to your computer, put a copy or the original in your safe deposit box.

The responsibility is primarily on you, the individual.

That said, here’s how the three largest Jewish movements handle conversion records.

The Reform movement encourages its rabbis to send a copy of each of their converts’ certificates to the central archive in the American Jewish Archives in Cincinnati. Many of the Reform rabbis remember to do this, but not all of them. If you convert with a Reform rabbi, you should confirm that they do that for you.

The Conservative movement encourages its rabbis to send a copy of the certificate to the Rabbinical Assembly in New York. One Conservative rabbi I spoke with had never been told this information! The moral of the story: Speak up, ask for your records to be sent, and keep a copy for yourself.

The Orthodox movement has a few approved beit din (rabbinic courts) around the United States. This means that people seeking to convert must travel to the location of the beit din for an interview and, of course, mikvah. Each beit din retains its own records. Thus, converts who have worked with one of these courts must contact their court for a duplicate certificate.

Your inquiry, JFALT, led me to wonder: When have you actually needed to produce your certificate? I asked you, and you replied that while you have never had to show it, the certificate itself has great meaning for you.

In fact, it’s so important to you that you’ve decided if you can’t get your certificate via the Rabbinical Assembly, you have found a rabbi who will take you to the mikvah again and give you a new certificate.

I take my hat off to your commitment and sentiment! Still, I hope the Rabbinical Assembly can help you.

All of this left me with a question: When do Jews-by-choice get asked to prove their status? I asked rabbis from the same three movements.

The Reform and Conservative rabbis I spoke with said they’ve never asked someone to provide their certificate. They’ve never had occasion to question someone’s self-proclaimed identity as a Jew or as a Jew-by-choice, they said. (One Reform rabbi did get a call from a synagogue once asking if he had indeed converted a person who was applying to teach in their Hebrew school.)

It is different for the Orthodox community and rabbis. Halachah (Jewish law) is as binding for their community as American law is for U.S. citizens. Proof of Jewish status is required for people who want to be members of an Orthodox shul, put their children in an Orthodox day school, go to a summer camp or be married by the rabbi.

As a Reform rabbi said to me, “For traditional Jews, this is simply law, not personal.”
Obviously, if you have chosen to convert to Judaism via Orthodoxy, you learn this and take it on as your way of life.

Ironically, I note that rabbis either don’t ask about status or, if they are required to, they ask everyone, not just those who may have converted.

Let this be guidance to all members of a congregation: We lay people do not need to question another person’s status.

Dear Dawn: I have been depressed much of my life because I don’t fit the gender I was born with. I want to transition and I want to convert to Judaism. Some Jewish friends have told me I can convert and others have said I can’t. I know that I have to transition to my true gender in order to find life worth living. I also very much want to be Jewish. I have read a number of books and listened to teachings online. I think a Reform rabbi would accept me. Can you tell me if that is correct? I fear that I may be more tradition oriented than the Reform movement. I’m not saying I want to be Orthodox.  Do I have any other option? If it is permitted, how do I get started? — Big Changes

Dear Big: You are correct that you can convert to Judaism with a Reform or a Conservative rabbi no matter how you define your gender. Conservative Judaism may be the path for you given your interest in a more observant lifestyle. Orthodox streams of Judaism would be more challenged to accept you, so you seem to be positioned well for a middle path.

I will note that asking Jewish friends for help with questions about conversion is a common practice, and the non-Jewish person may be confused by the answers. You were wise to ask several people and to determine that none of them appeared to have the final answer, even though each spoke to a certain truth. I’m glad you reached out to me for assistance.

Reading on your own and learning online is a good start, especially during the pandemic. The next steps are these:

Determine whether Conservative Judaism is right for you. Explore the websites of Conservative shuls near you, attend their services online and check out the national headquarters, United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism.

Find a sponsoring rabbi. You’ll need a rabbi who is your teacher and guide as you learn about Judaism and prepare to lead a Jewish life. As you “attend” services, try to get a feel for the rabbi(s) at your local synagogues. Call the ones with whom you feel comfortable and talk to them about how they are handling the conversion process at this time. Tell them your concern about being accepted as a trans person so that they can reassure you. Be prepared for awkward exchanges about the human body, because conversion is different for males and females (as males are expected to be circumcised). Please be aware that these issues, while rather commonplace for rabbis, may not be for you. Just tell them if you feel uncomfortable so they can adjust their approach.

Study. You’ll need to learn a lot, and your sponsoring rabbi will guide you in this. They may also want you to attend a basic Judaism class. (There are a number online.) The advantage of a class is that you’ll meet a number of others who are also curious learners.

Experience the Jewish calendar. The vast majority of rabbis require that a student study with them for at least one year. This allows the student to become acquainted with each holiday.

Decide that Judaism is right for you. The second advantage of your study taking a year or more is that you have adequate time to determine whether you really do want to become Jewish. No rabbi expects you to commit to converting at the outset. Rather, rabbis want to study with you and wait to see if you decide this is really what you want.

Formally convert. When you and your rabbi believe you are ready, you will go before a beit din (rabbinic court) and, if they give you their approval, you will go to the mikvah (ritual bath). Since you, Big, may also be scheduling surgeries, you’ll need to determine with your doctor when it is safe for you to immerse in water.

I have a dear friend who transitioned to their true self — a different gender than how they were born, and a different religion, too! At times they were sad or impatient that things weren’t happening faster. I tell you what I told them: “Put one foot in front of the other. Take the steps that are necessary for both these changes. Time will pass and you will be your correct gender and a Jew.”

Make friends at the synagogue of your choice. Ask your rabbi to introduce you to others who have converted so you can exchange questions, answers and stories. If the shul has an LGBTQ group, ask if you can join it even before you are a Jew.

Dear Dawn: You know me, but please make this letter anonymous. I was born a Christian and will die one; that’s just who I am. But I was happy to raise my kids as Jews when I married a Jewish man. I never do anything Christian, but I insisted that we have Christmas. For many years it was just fine. But as my girls grew up and had their bat mitzvahs, they began to drift away from Christmas. They no longer want to decorate the tree with me. Granted, they’ve moved out and are on their own, but I want them to come home for Christmas. I always have a Christmas party for all my friends, Jewish, Christian and no religion, but they no longer come. One of my girls talked to you and told me, “Dawn understands. Talk to her because I can’t get through to you.” So I’m asking you, how do I get them to just decorate the tree with me? I’ll even let them pass on the party. — Your Anonymous Friend

Dear Friend: You threw yourself into being a “Jewish mother” for your kids and you did a great job. Do you remember being on a panel and being asked, “Do you want your girls to identify as Jews as adults?” As I recall, you replied, “I went to a lot of work to raise them as Jews. All that would be for naught if they didn’t stay Jewish. Yes, I would be very upset if they dropped their Jewish identities.”

You got your wish. They identify as Jews. Give yourself a big pat on the back for your excellent work. Your husband and girls should thank you, too. On behalf of the Jewish people, I thank you for adding two lovely humans to the Jewish community.

Now, what else is going on?

Your girls are “patrilineal Jews” and it really bothers your youngest. She makes jokes and quips about being “half” and tosses out the Groucho Marx joke about his daughter being refused admission to a pool for being half-Jewish. “Can she wade in up to her knees?”

This humor is covering for pain. She is sharply aware of her halachic status, and although she was raised in a welcoming Reform synagogue, she can’t avoid what the rest of the Jewish world believes about her. Ironically, she has a Jewish name and really does look stereotypically Ashkenazi. But the moment her mother’s religious status comes up she flinches.

Rejecting Christmas and the iconic tree is her way of drawing a line. That is what non-Jews do — so she doesn’t. She is worried about hurting your feelings and at the same time she is in pain.

Put her feelings first, at least for a few years. Drop the subject of Christmas with the girls. Make the holiday your own. Have a tree, a party, decorate to the max and while you’re doing that ask yourself, “What do I love about this?” Then make sure you are breathing in all the parts you love.

Without resentment, tell the girls, “I’m having so-and-so over to decorate the tree this year. I’m thinking of making a popcorn string” or some other decoration. Make it light and breezy. They may be suspicious, waiting for the guilt-tripping to begin. But it won’t. This will alter the environment. Give it time.

You made your adult choices. One of them was to hold onto Christmas.

Now your girls are making theirs.

I recall that your own parents were not exactly thrilled when you agreed to raise the kids as Jews, but you stood firm. Now your girls are standing firm on their own choices. Be proud that you raised them to have minds of their own, just like you! Your parents came around, and now it is your turn to be flexible and accept your children for how they choose to live.

Also, the “talk to her” (me) reference is likely this element: Your daughter would probably be happiest if she could officially convert and not have her status reliant on yours. But she is worried it will feel like a rejection to you, so she doesn’t dare do it.

The most loving and generous thing you could do for her is to broach the subject and let her know that you would support her if she decided to go to the mikvah.

It is quite possible that with Jewish legality in her pocket, she would be comfortable trimming the tree.

Don’t rush out and call her. Think this over. We can talk. You can talk to your rabbi. Create a bridge between the two of you. Remember, she loves you.

Dear Dawn: I am Jewish and planning my wedding to a non-Jewish man. I have not been very involved in Judaism since my bat mitzvah almost 20 years ago. I don’t want to have a rabbi, but I want to have Jewish accoutrements at my ceremony. My fiancé is open to whatever I want. I want to include his parents if I can. I want his non-Jewish family to be comfortable. What advice can you give me about deciding what to include? — Bride-to-Be

Dear Bride: Mazel tov on your coming celebration! It should be quite easy to get what you want. First you need to decide which elements of a Jewish wedding you want. I suggest you get a Jewish wedding book and read through the various traditional elements. For three that do a good job of covering the topic, visit the Building Jewish Bridges website at tinyurl.com/bjb-3books, and pick the ones that you would like.

A Christian bride told me that she read “Celebrating Interfaith Marriage” by Rabbi Devon Lerner and found that the Jewish traditions met all her needs. Go over the ideas with your partner and see which ones speak to him.

Most Jews, if they want anything Jewish at their wedding, want to break the glass. The symbolism of a groom (and/or bride) smashing a glass underfoot has a number of explanations. The dominant one, which originates from the Talmud, is that even in times of joy we must remember there is sorrow. For more details on this ritual, check out My Jewish Learning at tinyurl.com/mjl-glass.

No matter the meaning you attach, it is certainly the climatic bang at the end of the ceremony. You can pick your own glass for the smashing, or you can buy a kit that includes a fragile glass and items to have the broken glass shards made into a piece of art that you can keep. (P.S. Do not select a sturdy glass unless you are trying to injure the stomper.)

You could get a ketubah (a wedding contract). There are all different kinds available online and they make lovely art for your home after the wedding.

The traditional chuppah (wedding canopy) has been borrowed by many non-Jews in the form of an arch or arbor under which the wedding takes place. The nice thing about having a chuppah that is held up by four poles is that you can give four friends the honor of holding a pole. If your canopy is stationary, you can have four loved ones simply stand at the four corners.

I love the tradition of having both sets of parents walking their own child down the aisle, instead of just the bride’s father. It symbolizes the joining of two families — which indeed a wedding does. Also, all four parents get to be a part of the ceremony, not just the bride’s father.

Once you’ve decided on the Jewish elements you want, I suggest you print up a small handout naming, describing and explaining each of them for your guests. Include the names of the people performing the various acts (as that will help guests identify what is happening). This is similar to a bar or bat mitzvah and is very helpful for anyone for whom these traditions are unfamiliar.

Also, Bride-to-Be, I want to point out to you that you are exhibiting a common behavior.

Many Jews, while they may not be practicing Judaism, hold onto their Jewish identity and feel the desire to bring Judaism into significant moments in their lives.

Please be aware that this often happens when a couple discusses having a child, but even more so when the child arrives. A parent who thought they didn’t care about their child’s religious identity can suddenly want their new baby to be Jewish.

I urge you to take your fiancé to a basic Judaism class so he can see you in your Jewish milieu, gain a basic understanding of Judaism and see how you respond to the teachings. You’ll both be better informed.

Please share with your fiancé that either of you may be struck with the desire to introduce your childhood rituals to your as yet unborn child. It is best to be somewhat prepared for further discussions of your home’s traditions and your child’s identity.

I’ve had this conversation with hundreds of people and I’m happy to speak with you two.

You can read more about Jewish wedding traditions used in interfaith weddings on the Building Jewish Bridges website.

I was delighted by the many responses to my April column, “At a loss after my rabbi said I’m not allowed to read Torah.”

Let’s walk through the concerns that were raised.

One man wrote, “You need to tell the Conservative Jews to accept patrilineal children!”

Sir, I’m sure you have told them, and did they change for you? I think it is more productive to figure out how to live in the here and now, even while working to improve the world. I certainly am not going to change my mind. Why should they?

Another person wrote, “I have read your articles and comments regarding Reform Jews. Please use ‘American Reform Jews’ when you speak about Reform Jews. You are doing a disservice to the countless Reform Jews outside of the United States whose fathers were Jews and had to undergo a full Jewish conversion, including circumcision and mikvah submersion … If you continue with this way of labeling all Reform Jews as equal and do not distinguish that it is American Reform Jews that you are referring to, then you may end up in court. I must remind you that the internet is worldwide.”

Dear readers, don’t be upset that he’s threatening I might be sued. What he really means is, “I need for you to take this seriously.”

He raises an important point. Acceptance of patrilineal children as Jews is limited to American Reform Judaism. This is one of the reasons I encourage parents — and rabbis — to have frank conversations with patrilineal kids. Should that child decide to live outside the United States, their Jewish status will instantly change.

Another person wrote in with the following, which I’ve made my question of the week.

Dear Dawn: I read with interest about the patrilineal Jew not allowed to read Torah in a Conservative synagogue, and I have a related question. I am married to a Jewish man, and we belonged to a Reform synagogue for many years before I decided to convert. We raised our son there. He had a bar mitzvah and read Torah. I converted around this time and asked our rabbi if I needed to take my son to the mikvah, too, since now his mother was a Jew. The rabbi did not think it was a good idea; he thought that it would be confusing. He said that my son is recognized as Jewish by the Reform movement. If my son wants to do something in the future in the Conservative movement, for example, marry a Conservative Jew in a ceremony with a Conservative rabbi, then he would need to go to the mikvah. And he could do it at that point; it would be his decision. Later when my son was in college, I explained to him his status in regard to non-Reform Judaism. I am now a member of both a Reform and a Conservative synagogue. I am welcome to chant Torah at both. So is it correct that a child born to a Jewish man and a non-Jewish woman and raised as a Reform Jew cannot be called to chant Torah in a Conservative synagogue, even though his later-a-Reform-convert mother can? Why would it be OK for a Reform convert to read Torah in a Conservative synagogue but not a patrilineal Jew? — Just Wondering

Dear Wondering: I love this question! This is an important aspect of Jewish life and law. Because you converted you changed your status from non-Jew to Jew. Your Jewish identity is based on the rabbi who converted you; therefore, you are technically a Reform Jew. This is unique to converts.

The identity of born Jews is not in any way determined by their rabbi — or lack of a rabbi. Many if not most American Conservative synagogues accept Reform conversions. Therefore, you are a Jew in both synagogues and welcome to chant Torah.

Recognition of patrilineal Jews has only come about with the Reform movement (and other liberal branches of American Jewry) in the last 40 or so years. This is a very new idea in the long history of Judaism.

It is also an American phenomenon. What I call a patrilineal Jew is not considered a Jew by most of the Jews around the world. Therefore, a child of a Jewish man cannot be called to chant Torah, but a convert to Judaism can.

Finally, I strongly believe that the child of a female convert should be taken to the mikvah, thereby acquiring the halachic status of the mother. However, the preteen and teen years can be fraught, and I, too, have recommended not introducing doubt into a child’s Jewish identity at that time. However, you were very wise to explain your son’s situation to him when he was in college. He will not be taken unaware. Good job!

Dear Dawn: I am from an interfaith family; my dad isn’t Jewish. I was raised and identify as Orthodox. Jews assume that it must be OK to criticize Orthodox Jews to my face. When they realize they are insulting me, they amend their comments with, “but not you.” This happens in Jewish places like synagogues, JCCs, Federation, etc. Jews feel free to insult and disdain the Orthodox. I’m so tired of this. What can I say to get them to stop? — Tired

Dear Tired: I am very sorry for the treatment you have received from your fellow Jews. Sadly, you are experiencing an accepted prejudice in our so-called diversity-embracing, Bay Area community.

I wish there were some magic words I could give you to change others, but there are none.

What you can do is prepare yourself for these encounters and be ready to respond. The question is: What are you comfortable doing and saying? Let’s look at some options.

If you are comfortable with conflict and feeling angry, you have every right to say, “You are talking about people I know and love. You are talking about me. Saying ‘not you’ does not take away your intention to insult the kind of person I am.”

If you are sick of these encounters, you have a right to simply walk away — with or without an eye roll.

Should you want to appeal to Jewish tradition, you can reference sinat chinam, Hebrew for baseless hatred.

Whenever we Jews instigate hatred against other Jews, we are guilty of sinat chinam. It is like racism and antisemitism, because it is hatred of someone who is not like you and not the way you think people should be.

You could suggest that they get to know Orthodox Jews and begin to see them as individuals instead of a faceless mass of misguided or foolish people. Point out the absurdity of the idea that only a few people from a huge group are the “good ones.” I concede that this may not work; I tried to do this with a Conservative Jewish woman, and she said she does have Orthodox friends, “but they are good ones.”

These speakers, in expressing anger about the Orthodox control over Judaism —  around issues such as equality for women, patrilineal inclusion, interfaith relationships, etc. — are the very people assigning that power to them. These complainers lack the confidence to say, “My Judaism is equally valid.” Others must be wrong in order for them to be right. Ask the individual: “Why do you need all Jews to be in agreement with you?”

What about diversity? If your speakers truly embrace it, then they should be pleased that there are all kinds of Jews. You could ask: “Do you really want all Jews to be the same? Doesn’t our variety delight you?”

Some are afraid that the Orthodox in the U.S. are too visible and will be seen by the larger Christian country in negative ways. These folks are fearful that the practices of these visible Jews will draw violence or condemnation on all Jews, including themselves. Suggest to these folks that they imagine themselves to be Korean and fearful of being targeted by Asian haters who hold racist views of the Chinese. Is shrinking from view really a solution?

No. We can clearly see that racial and ethnic hatred must be addressed.

Then there is always your father. You told me he is quite content living as a non-Jew in the Orthodox community. Maybe the people judging you should attempt to be as open as your dad.

I want to acknowledge that all of these suggestions require that you engage with these individuals. Perhaps you’ve “had it” and don’t want to discuss this anymore. Feel free to say, “I am going to stop you right there. I don’t want to hear your insults to me and my community.” And if they persist, you may want to end the relationship and distance yourself from them.

Finally, I want to again say that I am sorry that there are rude individuals who have no qualms about being cruel to you. Please know that you are not alone. There are many of us who are hurt and angered by this intolerance in our community. If someone won’t stop for the simple reason that they are hurting you, they probably aren’t worth your time.

Dear Dawn: My dad is my Jewish parent and I was raised Reform. Being a “patrilineal Jew” was never discussed in my shul. My dad did tell me more traditional Jews wouldn’t accept me as Jewish, but honestly he seems more angry than helpful. In college I learned more about my status as I was getting very involved in Jewish prayer and practice. I learned to daven in a traditional minyan, learned more Hebrew and embraced a more Conservative Jewish view. Fast-forward, and I started attending a Conservative synagogue after college. I talked to the rabbi about becoming involved in services but was told I can’t read Torah for the service unless I convert. I held back tears but was crushed. Somehow I thought my greater knowledge and practice would “get me in.” I can’t talk to my parents, as they would just tell me to go to a Reform shul, but I have come to see Reform Judaism as watered down and that’s not what I want. If I convert, my dad will be furious with me. I feel hurt that I don’t count in a minyan, but this is where I want to be. What should I do? P.S. My Conservative rabbi is really nice and was clearly sad to have to tell me this bad news. — Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught: I am very sorry you have to go through this. Frankly, your letter is one of the primary reasons I keep doing this job. Liberal Judaism is failing our youth by not having a more transparent dialogue with parents and their kids about the impact of having a non-Jewish mother.

Please know that you are far from alone. Your Conservative synagogue and rabbi are following their own insular policies and failing to give you the support and information you need to help understand your status and make your own choices.

Obviously you can convert. In fact, many Conservative rabbis do an “affirmation” conversion, one that acknowledges an individual is Jewish in all but this one way and just needs the halachic “paperwork.” It can be fast and simple since you are already living as a practicing Conservative Jew.

But you’re right. What you are looking for is not going to materialize in a Reform environment. Nor will you change your Conservative shul’s policy any time soon.

Some Conservative shuls are beginning to accept patrilineal descent, but as of today, you have found your spiritual home, and to be a part of it requires a concession.

You are living in an era when, God forbid, anyone should make a concession to someone else. Yes, you are sad your synagogue doesn’t think the way you do, but that’s life. You will find that many people and organizations do not share your opinions.

The real gift is learning to live with those differences without anger or grief.

Instead of focusing on the negative, think about the love you feel for this community and the love its members have extended to you. This is a concession of love. I know of others in your situation who have chosen to leave their Conservative environment and, not feeling at home elsewhere, have lost Jewish community from their lives. Yet others have chosen to go to the mikvah and are happily ensconced in their synagogue community. This is in your hands.

You indicated you are leaning toward conversion, but you fear your father’s reaction. I wish parents would step back and view their children’s lives from the perspective of their child. I’m sorry he’ll be unhappy, but this is not his life.

He made his own choices and is angry the world didn’t follow him. It would be a growing experience for him if you were to explain your thinking to him. Point out you are making your own choices and this is what you chose. That you’re sorry he doesn’t like it, but it’s not up to him. He won’t be choosing your life partner, your job or where you live. But for family harmony, you hope he will get on board.

If you don’t feel you can face your father’s wrath, you don’t have to tell him. This is your life and your way of expressing your Jewish identity. You don’t owe him the details. Just go to the mikvah, participate in your shul, and in the future when you are feeling up to it, you can choose whether to tell your dad or not. But do try to tell him how much he silences you. He may not know.

You know what you want and you have a path to get it.

Dear Dawn: I was raised Reform, but am now a nonpracticing Jew married to a non-Jewish woman. We were married by my Reform rabbi and are expecting a baby. My wife has no religion and has agreed to raise the child Jewish and even to convert our infant. I couldn’t promise to raise my child Orthodox, but I am a proud cultural Jew and feel connected to my people. I know that it will be hard to have a confident Jewish identity if people around my child are telling him/her that (because of matrilineal descent) he/she is not really Jewish. I want my child to feel real and to be accepted as Jewish by all Jews, which is why I am considering giving the baby an Orthodox conversion. I respect the Orthodox as the true keepers of the faith, even though I personally don’t want to live an observant life. I know converting for Jewish identity is not acceptable for an adult, but what about for a child? Would the Orthodox be willing to convert my baby? — Expecting Dad

Dear Dad: The Orthodox will perform an infant conversion if the family promises to live an observant life. And therein lies your problem.

However, while you might assume there is a strict outline for what it means to live an observant Orthodox life, let me elaborate, as “observant” varies from rabbi to rabbi. For example, one local Orthodox rabbi says: If the family keeps Shabbat, keeps kosher and sends the child to a Jewish day school, that’s observant. But the Orthodox rabbi in the next town gave me a somewhat different list of requirements.

Thus, your child’s status is shaped by and dependent on you and your lifestyle. You can’t choose for your child what you don’t choose for yourself.

Furthermore, this is just the first step.

An infant cannot be converted completely to Judaism. An infant conversion is a ritual done “in preparation” for the child choosing to affirm their Jewish status at the age of 13 — of their own free will. Judaism does not believe that identity can be chosen by a third party. So your child would need to be raised observing Judaism so that he/she could knowingly affirm the commitment to living an adult life as a Jew.

Now, let’s consider all your options.

You are correct that Orthodoxy is the one movement whose conversions are almost universally accepted. (There are Orthodox rabbis whose conversions are frowned upon; there’s no such thing as perfect.) The child of an Orthodox convert or a young person who converted with an Orthodox beit din is Jewish.

But you describe yourself as nonpracticing, so what is it you want for your child? To live in a home that does nothing Jewish, but be able go out into the world and say “I am a Jew”? Why would they care? Without a foundation of experiences and beliefs, why would the child think being a Jew is significant? Your baby will be born into a world of fluid identities. He/she can be “of Jewish heritage” and enjoy what that brings without being a Jew.

Or you could choose a Conservative conversion and raise your child in a Conservative shul, where the education and experience received will back up the identity claim. Non-Jews and unaffiliated Jews (who make up the majority of the Jewish population) will see your child “doing” Jewish — observing Shabbat, High Holidays and festivals, using mindful eating, relying on Jewish wisdom.

They will see that child as a Jew.

If the child lacks knowledge and practice but can say, “I was taken to the mikvah,” what does he/she really have?

You know what is available through the Reform movement from your own rabbi.

I work extensively with adults from interfaith families, and, as you say, it is harder for patrilineal Jews to get comfortable in their Jewish skin. Many parents respond with anger and speak ill of traditional Jews.

But what are they teaching their children? The parents are confirming that they feel helpless when confronted with halachically observant Jews. I trust that your respect for more traditional Jews means you will speak well of all Jews to your child. What you must do is determine what you are willing to commit to yourself, and your wife. Then find the appropriate language to explain your approach to your child.

The Orthodox do not determine whether your child is a confident Jew — you do. I’m happy to discuss this further with you.

Dear Dawn: My uncle recently had his DNA tested, and it turns out that we are from Jewish lineage. I had always wondered because my mother’s great-grandfather’s last name was Jewish. I’m trying to find out more about that branch of my family. None of my relatives know anything about Judaism; all of them are practicing Christians. When I talked to a Jewish coworker about this, he didn’t accept me as a Jew. I felt rejected and hurt. Am I Jewish? How would I find out? — Curious

Dear Curious: You are not alone, and you raise an important and pertinent topic. The popularity of the current DNA tests has stirred a lot of interest in Jewish identity. A number of people have uncovered some Jewish heritage and have contacted me to “learn about their Jewish lineage.”

Some have been distressed that Jews in their community have not instantly embraced them. They are indignant that the local synagogue members don’t see them as Jewish. I’m asked, “What is this arrogance?”

Given the hurt feelings and confusion, I believe it is important to unravel this conundrum.

“Who is a Jew” has been determined for thousands of years by halachah, Jewish law. This ancient system does not function like modern science. I can’t tell you how many people believe that DNA is incontrovertible because it is “science.”

But halachah is a system and a way of life that is unique and old. According to halachah, Jewish identity is passed from mother to child. Therefore, only a female relative can pass it on. Your great-grandfather could not pass Jewish identity to his children except by having those children with a Jewish woman. The daughters would pass on Jewish identity but the sons would not.

When pondering DNA, let’s keep in mind that the tests also tell you that you are other things. You told me that yours revealed that you are 7 percent Jewish, 4 percent Neanderthal, 5 percent African (a continent not a country) and the rest Eastern European. Does that mean you should seek out a Black community and suggest that you are a part of it? What about Neanderthal; where do you explore that? One young man learned he was 3 percent Black and felt that empowered him to use a derogatory term for people of African descent. Those he encountered did not agree.

My point here is that you cannot thrust yourself into a community or people.

Jews are not intentionally excluding you. It’s just that you can’t walk into someone else’s house and announce that you are home.

In answer to your question about whether you are Jewish, I doubt it. It would require that your great-grandfather had children with a Jewish woman whose daughter had a daughter, who had you.

Additionally, you would need proof of each of your maternal ancestors’ Jewish identity. Proof would consist of Jewish documents like a ketubah (wedding contract) or a gravesite in a Jewish cemetery. I have known people with more proof than you have that chose to have a conversion instead of spending years doing research. But they had learned a great deal about Judaism, understood the need of a conversion and wanted very much to live their lives as Jews.

You could certainly learn about Judaism, the faith that your ancestor may have practiced. I would recommend starting with a basic Judaism class; there are a number of them available online. In fact, my current list of Building Jewish Bridges classes can be found at buildingjewishbridges.org. Additionally, you could read books and check out Jewish websites (here’s a list to get you started).

The question to ask yourself is: What do I want from all this? Do you want to just learn about Judaism? Do you want to consider becoming Jewish? Or is it just fun to know that you have a few percentage points of shared heritage with the Jewish people — a fun fact to share at a party?

You have lived as a member of the dominant culture/people. Please understand that minority groups — Jews and Blacks have our own concept of ourselves that you have not yet learned. We don’t mean to be rude. We would just like for curious people to moderate their sense of ownership of our culture.

Readers contacted me with three very different responses to my Oct. 22 advice to the son who wanted help telling his Christian parents that he would not be celebrating Christmas anymore. It is valuable to reflect on their concerns.

Let me begin with a recent letter to J. The writer was troubled that I “accepted the son’s assertions that he could not celebrate Christmas in any capacity” and suggested that I should have helped him find nonspiritual ways to spend Christmas with his parents.

In the case of such an inquiry, I always begin the conversation by listening. What is it that the person is seeking in coming to me? The son did not ask me how to have Christmas with his parents; he asked me how to speak to them about his desire to no longer observe it. Yes, we talked about why he felt the way he does, but I did not try to change his mind. He has the right to believe what he does. Had he asked for help in figuring out how to have Christmas in a Jewish home or away from home, we would have talked about that.

The letter-writer’s response is a very familiar stance in liberal, Jewish interfaith work. Her reduction of Christmas to a simple, nonspiritual gathering of family does not accurately represent those who celebrate it and those who don’t. Research shows that Christmas does indeed have an impact on the children who are raised celebrating it — including celebrating it at a relative’s home. In my own research with adults from interfaith homes, I have heard a tremendous range of feelings about the holiday.

If Christmas weren’t so important, we wouldn’t be talking about it. But it is.

For many Americans it is the pinnacle of the year. Why are there more suicides at this time of year? Because of the enormous expectations that this day is supposed to fulfill. Christmas is the most complex American holiday, and I have seen it observed — or not observed — in hundreds of ways. The solution to “what to do about Christmas” should be shaped to the members of the family asking the question. There simply is no one-size-fits-all.

The writer’s approach is mainstream American liberalism, but with a Jewish twist. Many Jews want to be seen as open, welcoming, loving diversity and embracing of difference. But in the quest to be seen as they see themselves, they hasten to an answer that puts them in the best light in their own eyes, not the answer that is best for the searcher.

Accepting diversity would mean accepting this man’s desire not to celebrate Christmas. Not accepting it means wanting to change him to the “correct” way of thinking.

Christmas will affect every member of the man’s family, even if they don’t go to his parents’ home. When working with interfaith couples, it is vital that the individuals put their well-being first.  This season is only the beginning of an ongoing journey of negotiation and communication. We well-meaning Jews must stop putting our angst before the needs of the interfaith family.

This was not the only person who found my answer wanting. I received a private letter very kindly telling me that I had failed to see the “other side.” This parent said, “Dawn, what if his parents cannot forgive him as I can’t forgive my children? He needs to be prepared for this to sever their relationship.”

Occasionally I am approached by people who simply cannot accept the choices that members of their families make. The son in my column has religious Catholic parents; it is possible that they will turn his decision into a reason to reject him.

Usually the passage of time eases the anger and pain, and families are able to repair the rift. But let’s be honest, sometimes divides are permanent.

To my private writer: If even after some time this son tells me that his parents cannot accept his decision, I will recommend that he acknowledge their choice and move on with his life. Yes, it will hurt, but you can’t force people to believe as you do. You know this quite well.

Finally, I got this anonymous short note: “This is one of your best answers ever! Excellent advice.” Thanks! I hope you are saying this because you agree that the best way to be helpful to couples is to begin by listening.

Folks, Christmas is huge. It just is. We wouldn’t be having these conversations if it weren’t. Be patient with those who don’t agree with you. They don’t have to be wrong for you to be right.

Dear Dawn: Can I first say how impactful and helpful I have found your writing? I am a non-Jew in a relationship with a Jewish man. I love him, and his Orthodox identity is a big part of who he is. I have been researching as much as I can, but I notice that it is quite difficult to find information on Judaism for non-Jews. I haven’t found accessible information on conversion.

Although we are not ready to discuss marriage and children, I think it is important that we do so, as faith is such an important part of a relationship and building a life together, and as an interfaith couple, I don’t think it is possible for us to have this conversation too soon! I am aware that if we were to marry, our marriage would not be recognized by Orthodox Judaism.

But the issue that has really been bothering me is the thought of future children. I know that my partner wants to share his Jewish identity with his kids, and I am fully onboard. I am completely committed to the idea of raising children in a kosher household and abiding by the halachah. I understand this would be enough for Reform Judaism to consider our children to be Jewish, but not Orthodoxy. I know that if I wanted our children to be accepted as Orthodox Jews, then the obvious solution is to convert. But I don’t see marriage and children as a valid reason and, as an atheist, I see it as personally inappropriate to do so.

I’m wondering what you think and whether you think that were my partner and I to raise children in an observant household, engage with the community and send them to Jewish schools, would it be possible for them to convert to Orthodox Judaism as children? — Planning Ahead

Dear Planning: Thank you for your kind words. You have raised a number of issues. First, a good place to start learning about Judaism would be a basic Judaism class. You would learn in a structured way and have a teacher as a resource. Your partner’s rabbi should be able to assist you in this. I think it is much too early to consider converting.

As for discussing marriage, honestly, your partner can’t be too attached to Orthodox practice or he wouldn’t be dating a non-Jew. I don’t mean this as an insult but as an observation. He owes you an explanation as to why he is dating you. Is he serious? Has he thought about the complications? Has he introduced you to his family or taken you to services at his synagogue? Does he see this relationship as serious? If you are sleeping together, that should be a red flag. He’s lying to someone, perhaps himself.

Yes, the big can of worms is children. This is always the toughest part. It is true that Reform Judaism would accept children raised as Jews as sufficient to view your children as Jewish. But that leaves the rest of the world’s Jewish population not thinking your kids are Jewish. Is your partner ready to face that?

Indeed, you could change everything by having an Orthodox conversion. But that would be artificial on your part. Being an atheist would prevent you from having an Orthodox conversion anyway. Does your partner believe in God? How does he view your beliefs? Are you planning to pretend to believe in order to have a traditional home? I’m not a fan of pretense.

You ask if your children could convert to Orthodox Jewry. There are occasions when a child can have an Orthodox conversion when the mother is not Jewish: if the child is raised in an observant home, going to an Orthodox day school, etc. But your situation is significantly more complex than others I’ve worked with.

Is your partner open to talking to me? Let me be totally frank with you. In the past, when a woman in your position is the one who contacts me, and her Jewish boyfriend doesn’t want to talk/meet with me, it is because he is ambivalent. Those relationships don’t last when the man is pressed to be honest. I don’t want you to be madly in love and only then find out that he can’t bring himself to commit to you. I do not support lying or deception in a relationship. Granted, he may at this point be lying to himself most of all, but you are the person who will be most harmed.

Please ask him about this and tell me what he says.

Dear Dawn: I was raised Catholic and left the church many years ago. When I married my Jewish wife, we had a Jewish wedding. My very Catholic parents came because “Jesus was Jewish” and they thought any religion in my life would be a road back to the church. I have zero intention of practicing Christianity and am very comfortable with Judaism. Maybe I’ll convert someday. The problem: We have “shared” our holidays by spending Thanksgiving with my parents and Hanukkah with my wife’s parents. Because of Covid, we all doubt there will be either this year. My parents are requesting that, once things are normal again, we spend every other year with them for Christmas. Truthfully, I have never made it clear to my parents, who live on the other coast, that we will never celebrate Christmas. Should I tell them? If so, how do I do that? They are quite religious. Right now, they love my wife, but I’m afraid this will turn them against her. — Bad Son

Dear Son: First, I refuse to call you “bad.” Second, it’s time to step up to the plate and be honest with your parents. It is unfortunate that you have waited this long, since it has probably created more hope for your parents that you will return to the Catholic fold. But the sooner they know and can begin adapting, the better.

Make this very clearly about you, not about your wife. Don’t say anything to sour the relationship they have with their daughter-in-law. You have made it clear to me that this is your journey away from your birth religion; make it clear to them, too.

If possible, sit down and make a list of the concerns you expect your parents to have. Some possibilities could be: You are leaving behind your childhood and possibly them. They may feel this separates you from them. They may worry that you are going to hell, having heard the teachings of Jesus and rejected them. They may fear that Jews go to hell and have been harboring a hope that your wife will convert. They will no doubt grieve the loss of Christmas and Easter celebrations with you and your children, when you have them.

Come up with some solutions. Assure them that you love them and have not spoken up because you knew it would hurt them. Have some suggestions on how to stay connected — weekly phone calls, video chats, regular texts. Come up with something you can maintain whether it is a Sunday evening call or a weekly handwritten letter. They need to feel your love.

If they are devout Catholics, they may benefit from reading an article from a scholarly Catholic group titled “A Sacred Obligation,” expressing a Catholic view of Judaism.

Acknowledge that your children-to-be will not celebrate Christian holidays and that you want to be sure that the bond between grandchild and grandparent is still strong. You can plan to spend time in their city over summer vacation. Go on camping trips with them. Create a special holiday, Grandpa & Grandma Day, when you send them presents. Point out activities that are unique to them — crossword puzzles, woodworking, reading, hiking, painting — and let them know that you will be anticipating their sharing these special-to-them activities with your children in years to come.

Encourage them to think this over and to share their feelings with you. They will probably have an immediate reaction, but urge them to also take some time to reflect on this. It is important to them and their thoughts will evolve.

If they bring up something you had not anticipated and for which you have no reply, be honest and say, “I’m not sure how to respond to that, but I’ll think about it and get back to you.” Then do.

Be sure to discuss this with your wife so you are on the same page. She may have some insight into the things most likely to be on your parents’ minds.

Consider talking to your rabbi, or if you have a friend who is a priest, with him. A clergy member may have additional ideas, given that they are often called upon by worrying parents.

Dear Dawn: I am a Christian man married to a Jewish woman. We are raising our children Jewish, and I am very comfortable with that decision. However, things are so terrible right now and I feel like praying. But for me that would be “in Jesus’ name.” I would be praying to Jesus, and I don’t know whether I should do that. I’ve never really been a religious person, and I don’t have to, but I’d like to. Should I tell my wife? What should I say to my kids, ages 7 and 9? A religious friend of mine told me I should “get right with God” because this may be the end of times. I don’t believe that, and it made me doubt my motivation to pray. Maybe I’m just reacting to fear. — Struggling as a “Jewish Dad”

Dear Struggling: Yes, these are very terrible times, and it is moving many hearts to reflect on the big questions in life, including God. It is human to be fearful now. Our environment, our country and our loved ones are threatened. To pray seems to me to be a very natural reaction.

Years ago I asked a local Orthodox rabbi to teach a class that included one session on God. About three-fourths of the class participants were non-Jews, and the last fourth were doubting Jews. There were many, many questions.

At one point, the rabbi lowered his eyes and said, “I don’t want to look up because I don’t want anyone to think I am speaking to someone specific: We are all in our own conversation with God, and I don’t know what your conversation is about.”

He wanted people to feel strong in their own faith and own views. He was not there to alter their personal view of God.

When we debriefed after the class, he told me he had prayed before class that he would not undermine any student’s faith.

My friend, your personal conversation with God is completely valid. Praying “in Jesus’ name” is meaningful to you. You should absolutely do so. Do you need to discuss it with your wife? No. You owe no one the contents of your conversation with God. That is between you and HaShem (God).

If you want to tell your wife you are feeling anxious and it is pulling you back to a consciousness of God, you can. I would say to consider whether it would make her more anxious and what you hope to gain in telling her. You may become closer. Or you may decide to save it and to talk about your view of God when things are not so tense. You know your wife best; use your own judgment.

What should you say to your children? Traditional Jews refer to God as HaShem, which means The Name. Other names for God mean The Place, Transcendence, Indwelling and more.

In other words, God doesn’t have a name. We all call God what feels right to us.

A female friend of mine is a Reform convert to Judaism and loves the term HaShem because it has no gender. Her Reform rabbi is less comfortable with it, but accepts it as valid. For you, Jesus is a name for God, maybe the best name. Jesus is the name you heard for decades.

But someone could call God “George” — and God would know whom you meant.

A name for God, a term, a label, a designation — any of those are for the sake of the human uttering the prayer.

Should your children understand that Jesus is commonly considered a name for God? Definitely! At 7 and 9, do they need to know you are praying differently than them and using that name? No. You can have that conversation when they are older and have the ability to understand the nuances of names and beliefs. At this age, they want to be like you and their mom. Being different from parents can be distressing for a child. Now is not the time to add to the distress in their lives.

Finally, I want to remind you that no matter what name any person uses for the Eternal One, we are all directing our thoughts, hopes and fears to the same Source. Very few religious traditions today believe there are multiple gods competing for dominance.

I hope you will consider learning more about Jewish views of God, ways of praying and finding comfort. At the least, it could make attending synagogue with your wife and children more meaningful for you.